Alternate Movie Endings
Chaos over canon.
The theatrical movie business is in trouble. In 2004, the average American went to the movies 5.1 times a year. By 2024, that number had dropped to 1.8.1 Studios are scrambling for answers. Thankfully, I have one! Let me show you, by using one of our most iconic franchises as a case study…
It’s July 2011. Gas has surged to $3.50/gallon, protests in Syria have escalated into a brutal civil war, and your friends have started saying “YOLO” unironically. But none of this seems to bother you, not tonight at least, because tonight you are seeing the final Harry Potter movie, in the theater!
The whole franchise has been building to this climactic stand-off: Harry vs. Voldemort. Good vs. Evil. Wands are drawn. And much to your surprise… Voldemort wins?!?! You sit there, stunned as the final 10 minutes morph into a strange, quiet epilogue. Voldemort, shaken by violence, begins to show remorse. He gifts the Elder Wand to Hermione as a token of his sorrow. Hermione, grief-ridden and lonely (all of her friends were just brutally murdered) agrees to get coffee with Voldemort. He’s well-read, thoughtful, surprisingly funny.2 Weirdly charming. They talk curriculum reform at Hogwarts, and bond over their shared muggle heritage. Coffee turns into a drink. One drink turns into dinner. And before long, Hermione is in love. And so is he. They settle down, have kids, and live happily ever after.
You exit the theater, dumbstruck. You post on your buddy’s Facebook wall:
“Duuude, you see HP yet?? What was up with that last 10 minutes? Those death eaters did the Order dirty! Absolutely tore up Hogsmeade like it was a bin Laden compound. And lookout fellas, Voldy be Mr. Steal-yo-Granger.”
Your buddy did see Harry Potter—but not your Harry Potter. Because you were in one of the 10% of theaters showing an ALTERNATE ENDING!! Everyone else got the normal ending where the good guys win and Harry has weird CGI crow’s feet. After news breaks of these “alternate endings”, thousands of Potterheads keep going back to the theaters again and again, hunting for the version they didn’t get.
In reality, the last Harry Potter grossed $1.4 billion. Imagine what it would have grossed if a few theaters showed us Voldmione!3
Alternate endings work. And not just for beloved YA franchises. Here’s a list of movies and their potential alternate endings…
SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION
While crawling through the 500-yard sewage pipe, Andy drowns in a river of poo. The camera lingers on him convulsing (and eventually going limp) as the credits roll.
TOP GUN: MAVERICK
Rooster and Mav have had enough with the endless military industrial complex, and agree it’s finally time to chase their dreams. Mid-mission, they vanish off-radar and reemerge months later as a Kenny Loggins cover band: THE DANGER TONES.4 They tour the regional circuit—casinos, minor league ballparks, county fairs. Maverick develops a benzo addition.
WHEN HARRY MET SALLY
As the clock approaches midnight, Harry rushes through snowy Manhattan streets and into to a New Year’s party so he can find Sally… and ask her for her younger sister’s number: “When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody’s sister, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” Sally never speaks to Harry again, except at her sister’s wedding, where she gets drunk and gives an inappropriate expletive-ridden toast.
THE LION KING
Simba returns to Pride Rock, expecting ruin—only to discover a thriving, multi-cultural society. Scar and the hyenas have abolished the monarchy and ushered in sweeping reforms: a wealth tax on the fattest elephants, universal childcare for every herd, and a strong social safety net ensuring every creature in the savanna can live with dignity.
The possibilities are endless! Comment an alternate movie ending you want (or don’t want) to see!
he’s in a improv troupe and they are NOT funny, but he’s trying really hard and it’s endearing.
Hermimort?
it has come to my attention that “The Danger Tones” is actually a real musical group. they do A Cappella, and are based out of northern Wisconsin. they are rad.
this... this should be real